Calgon! Take me AWAY!!!!

I actually have reached a point in my life when I understand those Calgon commercials.

This is SO HARD. I think of the people who work tirelessly and have such difficulty getting pregnant and I know I shouldn't complain. I am blessed with these little angels from heaven, but sometimes, they don't seem like angels.

Yesterday morning, I found myself sitting on the floor in my kitchen, crying and praying to a god I have never even been certain of. Addy was throwing a complete tantrum (the reason for which I've completely forgotten), Flora was screaming bloody murder for yet another feeding (she'd live attached to my boob... ouch) and the GD dogs were following me around the house, panting and clickety-clacking their nails on the hardwood (hoping that in the midst of the hysteria, I was going to take them to... the park?). As I sat on the floor praying for grace in this moment of complete chaos, I thought of a time in my life when I had virtually no responsibility-- college.

When I was in college, at Boston University, my biggest decisions were those involving which classes I was going to take. I would scan the course guide for hours, imagining the possibilities. I thought it was HARD! Second biggest decisions were: what I was going to do on Saturday night and what I was going to wear to the class with the cute guy. Ugh. As trivial as it now seems, life seemed hard then. Life seems hard now. Logic is getting to me a scary place right now: am I going to look back someday at this time and laugh because the really hard stuff is yet to come??? Oh god, no (there's that mystery god again). I don't think anything could be harder than raising a toddler and a newborn simultaneously while planning an overseas move and coping with a sick mother and an alcoholic father, but of course... that's how I see it now.

Ahhh.... give me grace to get through this day... just this day...

Things I love about Montclair, NJ:

Now that I am leaving this lovely suburban retreat, there are things that I already know I will miss... possibly forever, because as we all know, businesses come and go and what might have seemed solid at one point might quickly become desolate and obsolete years later.

We have only lived here for 18 months- not long in the scheme of things, but for my life, it's the longest time I've been at one address since I graduated from college. That's nuts, isn't it? It makes our life in the Foreign Service (moving every two or so years) seem luxurious. Since we got here, I have walked by a little door with a paper sign reading, "Today's Raviolis and Today's Cookies." Corso 98 on Walnut Street is a restaurant that we have yet to try, but their tiny little ravioli and cookie shop located next door represents a time and culture warp that I never could have imagined at first glance.



One evening a couple of weeks ago, the first of the warm days of spring, I walked the girls to meet Stef at the train as he arrived home from work. As we walked up Walnut Street, I pointed out the paper sign and asked if we could stop in- I've always wanted to, but at 20$ a box, we've been unable to take the plunge (raising two children on one income in the NY Metro area is a very delicate balancing act). Alas, the first of March meant bonus time, and we've been letting our hairs down so we went in. Nothing could have prepared us for the absolute perfection we found beyond that little door with the paper sign.

There is actually a little Italian lady inside working on a long, well-worn butcher block, rolling out perfect little pillows of pasta filled with anything from braised rabbit to radicchio and walnut to classic four cheese. She delights in talking about her raviolis and in feeding babies her handmade biscotti and pignole cookies. It's a wonderful little place with the perfect balance of comfort and deliciousness. We went home and cooked the ravioli and despite the considerable price, they are well worth it. The little Italian lady with the carefully pressed toque might well have been enough, but the raviolis are perfection- delightfully toothsome and packed full of fresh, flavorful stuffings. The perfect way to take a break from cooking dinner without sacrificing a fabulous food experience.

I will miss this.


96-98 Walnut St.
Montclair, NJ 07042
Tel: 973-746-0789
Fax: 973-746-6488

News that I have long been waiting to share:

It's been a long time since my husband got the news that he passed all the requisite exams and clearances for his new job working at the State Department and I have long waited to share the details of our exciting new lifestyle. It's been hard to keep it to myself, especially since if there's anything in my life worth blogging about (aside from my beautiful daughters), it's the fact that I will soon become what is referred to as a "Trailing Spouse" (charming title, no?).

On May 8th, we will be moving to Falls Church, VA for Stefan to begin his training and there we will be until we are relocated to our first foreign post. It's a daunting and exhilarating new beginning and one which my dear husband has always dreamed of. On some level, I have always fantasized about living abroad and of having fabulous stories to share at adult dinner parties about my unusual and intriguing life. I guess I never thought I would be doing it with two such small children and two giant dogs in tow, but life is never quite what we imagine it will be.

I hope to take the opportunity to turn this blog into a place where our friends and family can follow our adventures and where other fledgling Trailing Spouses can take refuge, but that remains to be seen. For the next couple of weeks, we will be packing up our lives and putting our earthly belongings into distinct categories: that which is coming with us to the Oakwood temporary housing and that which will be locked away in a distant storage unit not to be seen for many many months (or more likely, years). Woes me... for all the lovely little things I have accumulated-- artwork, enamel pots, collectible post modern furniture-- it's all become meaningless for now and my identity becomes only what I can portray in person. I feel scared, naked and incredibly excited, for my husband is giving me a life that most can only imagine or read about.

Maxin' and Relaxin'

Flora, she knows how to get down to the business of sleep. In fact, she sleeps all night long, which makes my life pretty good let alone possible. I'm psyched. Zzzzzzz....

My baby girl smiles!

Flora is lovely, happy and healthy. She's growing stronger and longer by the day. She's moments away from holding her little head up and laughs at my goofy faces and bad jokes just like her big sister.

Baby x 2 is Pretty Freakin' Hard, But....

So, Flora has been with us for 11 glorious days and the adjustment has gone as smoothly as we could have hoped. Adela has embraced her sister (I mean this quite literally) and she has taken to smacking her lips in a faux kissing action every time she catches a glimpse of her. Jealousy seems to be on the back-burner for the time being, because I don't think she fully grasps that this is a child and not just an incredibly demanding toy that her father and I brought home for the three of us to play with.

Flora sleeps a lot. I am trying hard to take advantage of it, but of course, I don't want to sleep when I could be playing with or caring for Adela and this is the fundamental difference between bringing Adela home and bringing Flora home. We were able to lay around and stare blissfully at newborn Addy for hours on end, whereas now, each minute not spent nursing, changing or otherwise trying to comfort Flora, we have to chase, feed, change and entertain the toddling monster. It's hard. Thank god Stefan was able to take off a big chunk of time so that I could heal and recover in the midst of all the seemingly endless childcare.

I had hoped that the migraines that plagued me during pregnancy would have subsided by now, but sadly, they still linger here and wake me from the occasional sleep I do get. I suppose, in light of all our many, many blessings, I should just learn to suck it up. But, alas, it's hard to ignore a pain in one's head that is sometimes so fierce it makes one's toes curl! I have resigned to live with the pain for a while longer so that I can continue to breastfeed Flora and give her the same advantages that Adela had. Unfortunately, they have yet to develop an adequate migraine medication that is safe for breastfeeding and pregnant women.

With that one exception, our life is such an incredibly good one. When I watch Stefan and Adela walk down the street as they head to one of her many scheduled activities, I am moved to tears (thanks, in part, to whopping hormone fluctuations). Then as I think life couldn't be any more wonderful, there is little Flora sleeping peacefully (or looking around bewildered... or screaming her little lungs out), and I know the possibilities for joy are endless. It's such a profoundly beautiful thing to have this time together- the six of us- to savor our good fortune and to imagine all the adventures that lay ahead.

Love is...

... A perfectly healthy baby girl whose very existence is an extension of her parents' devotion to one another (I can't help but be sappy. I'm in a state of postpartum euphoria). I'm just so damned happy. I love this new, little baby and I am so lucky to have such a perfect family in Stefan, Adela, Flora and even, Otis and Rudi. Life is so goooood.