Parting is such... sorrow.

(Please forgive this very long and self-indulgent post)

Last night, reality actually set in. You might wonder- three years of passing tests and gaining security clearance and knowing that our new life in the Foreign Service was imminent wasn't enough? To that I will say, I have been in a long coma of denial and have been so consumed with making babies and nesting (in a temporary home) that I didn't really face the facts. We are LEAVING... For a LONG TIME. And the craziest part- we don't know WHERE we are going.

There are other bloggers out there who write about how much they long to feel precisely what I am feeling. They are in some early stage of the process or they are deeply invested, but have yet to receive an invitation and when I read their (your) posts, I feel guilty for feeling the way I do. Like, I know, I am really lucky. My husband is really lucky (and smart). My kids are going to be terribly interesting people. We are going to see the world and there will be so much fodder out there, I won't even have time to write everything down. I know all these things, but I also know how lonely I will be and how much harder it will be for me to find my own way professionally and how little things-- like going grocery shopping or taking my aging dog to the vet-- will become extremely difficult in a country where I don't speak the language.

And then there's the really hard part and the one that sent me running to my mommy after dinner last night. I won't have my family, as crazy and dysfunctional as it is, around to help me... when I have a migraine, when the babies are driving me nuts, when I need to talk about an argument with my husband, when I just need to be with the people who love me no matter how much I screw up or disappoint them. It breaks my heart to the core to consider the daily absence of these people-- my mom, my Elliott, my friends, my aunts, uncles, cousins and now elderly grandmothers, my brother and stepmother, my father. It's this kind of thing that makes me wonder-- what's really most important in life?

I guess that's the whole thing-- this experience (already) has me asking the difficult questions about my life and the people in it and the kind person I want to be. I won't be able to take anyone (or anything familiar) for granted. I have to reflect on all the things in my life with care and consideration and that has got to be a good thing.

While it might not be my dream to enter the Foreign Service, it's my husband's lifelong dream. And seeing how much joy he gets from realizing it, makes it worthwhile and has taught me what a real partnership is. This is my time to suck it up and sacrifice so he can have what he's always wanted. It's going to be very hard, at times, but I know he'd do the same for me. He's my man. Seeing him happy means as much as anything and oh boy, do have the ultimate in leverage when my times comes!